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Is what you believe about marriage getting in the way of a GREAT relationship?
When you’ve put into practice all the usual advice, but your marriage still falls short of the intimacy and joy you want, what then? Are patience and perseverance your only hope for a better relationship?
Author and speaker Sheila Wray Gregoire says, “Absolutely not!” The solution to a happier relationship is not found in being a more patient, more perfect wife, but in taking responsibility for what you can do—and especially for how you think about your marriage. She challenges you to replace pat Christian answers with nine biblical truths that will radically shift your perspective on your husband, your relationship, and your role in God’s design for marriage, including…
· My Husband Can’t Make Me Mad
· Being One Is More Important Than Being Right
· Having Sex Is Not the Same as Making Love
With humor and honesty, Sheila invites you to believe that God wants to bring oneness and intimacy to your marriage—and challenges you to partner with Him in that process by changing the way you think.
- Sales Rank: #71348 in Books
- Brand: WaterBrook Press
- Published on: 2015-08-18
- Released on: 2015-08-18
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .65" w x 5.17" l, .45 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 240 pages
Review
“In my research with happy marriages, I’ve found that happy wives have one thing in common: they know that happiness doesn’t just happen. Sheila gives great ideas that challenge our conventional thinking about what goes into a happy marriage—and she nails it! Here’s to a new generation of happy wives.”
—Fawn Weaver, New York Times best-selling author of Happy Wives Club
“What a wonderful book! Sheila has such a delightful writing style that you forget you’re learning so much. The teaching points are inspiring, and the action steps truly can be marriage-transforming. Many readers will particularly appreciate Sheila’s delightful way of challenging conventional wisdom as she offers freshly applied biblical wisdom. One of the best things you could do for your spouse, your children, and your own happiness and contentment in the coming year is to read and apply Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.”
—Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and A Lifelong Love
“The truths in Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage hold the power to revolutionize relationships. Sheila Wray Gregoire gives it to us straight: we can be happy, we can have the good marriage that God designed. But first we need to change our thought life. As Sheila challenges pat answers and common misconceptions about what makes a marriage work, she offers an alternate, hope-filled path. Her real-life examples and biblically rooted insights will free you to approach your marriage with a transformed attitude and renewed energy.”
—Shannon Ethridge, relationship coach, speaker, and author of the bestseller Every Woman’s Battle
“In this lively and engaging book, Sheila doesn’t just explode cultural myths about marriage and relationship and replace them with biblical truth; she also provides ultrapractical tasks for wives to apply every bit of their new knowledge. I love the emphasis on working on yourself first, rather than trying to change your spouse. Way to go, Sheila!”
—Shaunti Feldhahn, social researcher and best-selling author of For Women Only
“We’ve all heard the adage, ‘It takes two to make a marriage work.’ And it’s true. But with Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, Sheila Wray Gregoire gives women powerful tools to make a huge difference in their marriages all on their own. Instead of focusing on what our husbands should do, Sheila helps us focus on what we as wives actually can do. Actionable, empowering, and freeing. A must read for every woman who wonders if her marriage could be better.”
—Kathi Lipp, author of The Husband Project and Clutter Free
“Although an honest personal assessment can be painful at times in marriage, it is worth it. Sheila takes us on a journey of discovering how our personal thoughts may be interfering with our marriage and gives us practical steps on how to make the lasting change we long for and desperately need!”
—Ruth Schwenk, speaker, author, and creator of TheBetterMom.com
“‘For as [she] thinks in [her] heart, so is [she]’ (Proverbs 23:7, nkjv). Sheila wisely helps women think healthy thoughts so they can create a healthier marriage. Think honest, loving, practical, biblical, relevant—those are the kind of wise thoughts Sheila will help you think so you can discover the power to build a love to look forward to living.”
—Pam Farrel, best-selling author of forty books, including Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti and Red Hot Monogamy
“In Nine Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, Sheila Wray Gregoire challenges spouses to take the focus off of what their marriage partner is doing ‘wrong’ and, instead, change their own thought patterns to see their spouse in a whole new light. What I love most about Sheila is that she writes from experience, not just theory. She is transparent about how her own faulty thinking created struggles early in her marriage, and she celebrates how God redeemed her situation to create the beautiful relationship she now enjoys with her husband. Through this, readers will be encouraged that a transformed marriage relationship just may start in changing their own way of thinking.”
—Erin Odom, creator of TheHumbledHomemaker.com and author of Your Retreat: A Guide to Giving Yourself a Personal Planning Day
About the Author
SHEILA WRAY GREGOIRE is the author of numerous books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Her refreshing approach to difficult relationship topics has made her a popular speaker across North America and earned her an online following in the hundreds of thousands. She and her husband, Keith, both avid birdwatchers, are now empty nesters. They're hitting the road in an RV, pulling over for speaking engagements, free wifi, and rare hawks.
Most helpful customer reviews
21 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
More Than Just Cliches of Marriage Advice
By Heather King
Sheila Wray Gregoire's new book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, accomplishes something quite difficult: Saying something fresh about marriage. After reading and/or reviewing so many marriage books that focus on male/female communication and seeing the world as either pink or blue and offer cute little catchphrases, I loved how Gregoire dug a bit deeper. She tackles commonly held cliches or superficial Christian marriage beliefs and replaces them with 9 thoughts that could change the way you think about what it means to love your husband.
Her first thought sounds so simple: "My Husband is My Neighbor." But in that one simple thought, she addresses an attitude adjustment that we need to make as wives. She writes, "it's often easier to feel compassion for people in the abstract than for individuals we know up close and personal" (16) and also, "I have this sneaking suspicion that most of us save our best behavior for those whom we barely know and show our worst side to those we know the best" (17). Isn't that so true? We often display grace, forgiveness, and compassion for those outside of our home, strangers even who we meet at the grocery story or the bank, but then snap at every flaw we see in the one person we are to treasure the most.
Her other thoughts are just as important, valuable, and challenging, including "My Husband Can't Make Me Mad," My Husband Was Not Put on This Earth to Make Me Happy" and (my favorite), "I"m Called to Be a Peacemaker, not a Peacekeeper." In this last chapter, she argues that "pursuing peace does not mean seeking an absence of conflict." Instead, God's heart is for oneness, and sometimes that means choosing to work together to fix differences instead of simply ignoring them in an effort to "keep the peace."
Gregoire manages to maintain a very difficult balance. Submission and respecting our husbands does not mean allowing them to do whatever they feel like it, no matter how abusive, harmful, irresponsible, and hurtful. Her question is, "If you step back and 'submit,' are you being a 'suitable helper' to him? Or are you enabling him?" Nor does establishing boundaries in marriage mean threatening divorce or harping on his every flaw and failing. She suggests that holiness in marriage results from lovingly helping each become more Christ-like, loving each other enough to speak truth in love when necessary.
Throughout each chapter, Gregoire includes Action Steps and then she includes a summary of all of the action steps at the end of the chapter so they are easy to find and implement. You may not be able to do each action step in a chapter, but with several choices, there is usually something you can put into practice. Some action steps involve your husband and some you can do on your own, like "Pray about where God is leading your husband. Ask God, 'How can I tangibly support my husband in that?'
She also provides a helpful appendix with her favorite marriage resources in various categories, such as: Make Your Marriage Great, The Purpose of Marriage, Sex, Handling Conflict and Setting Boundaries, and Roles in Marriage. I loved this resource list because it's likely that as you read her book, you'd identify the weaker aspects of your marriage and then find further information and encouragement on those specific areas.
Ultimately, this is a marriage book for an engaged woman, the newly married, the seasoned wife with a great marriage and the woman in a marriage that is struggling. While not every one of her thoughts will fit your own marriage needs, there are most likely at least some healthy reminders or fresh encouragements to help any wife make her marriage better.
I received this book free from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review and the opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
“What if peace and joy are not dependent on someone else changing
By Richard J. Higgins
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage by Sheila Wray Gregoire presents nine biblical truths that can give you a fresh perspective on your marriage. Although written from a woman’s perspective, this book can be helpful to anyone who desires to improve his or her marriage.
This book is written in a practical and engaging style as the author writes about her struggles and how she overcame them in her marriage. Her emphasis throughout the book is on changing your thinking, “What if peace and joy are not dependent on someone else changing, but they instead flow from God giving us the ability to choose how to think, how to feel, and how to respond?” (p. 4). She eschews “pat answers” and gives the reader biblical and practical helps to strengthen one’s marriage. Ultimately, you must take responsibility for the health of your marriage, “God made us responsible for our own actions, our own thoughts, and our own feelings. No one else can do that work for us” (p. 6). Here are the nine thoughts:
1) My husband is my neighbor.
Sheila asks the question, “Would your perspective about your husband change if you realized not just that God was your Father, but that God was also your Father-in-law?” (p. 14). I impress upon men that they are responsible for the health of their marriage; however, Sheila also reveals the vital role that women have in their marriage, “It is relatively easy for a woman to make a man feel appreciated, because he can experience just one thing at a time. It is relatively hard, though, for a man to make a woman feel loved and appreciated, because she tends to have so much on her mind all once. That’s why so much of the power for the dynamic of the relationship rests in our hands” (p. 22).
2) My husband can’t make me mad.
This chapter is filled with principles for restructuring one’s cognitive framework. When I take responsibility for my emotional well being then I am not dependent on others for my emotional well-being. “‘Believing the best’ was one of the best predictors of a happy marriage,” (p. 49).
3) My husband was not put on this earth to make me happy.
She does an excellent job differentiating between happiness, contentment, and joy. “If your husband suddenly did the thing you wished for, you’d simply wish for something else in its place. That’s the nature of the quest for happiness. It’s rooted in circumstances, and it makes you a passive recipient of what happens to you. that’s why aiming for happiness will tend to backfire, especially in marriage” (p. 56).
4) I can’t mold my husband into my image.
It’s normal for us to have expectations of others, but we must have realistic expectations. “My responsibility is not to change him but to accept him.” (p. 77). Accepting him means to accept him as your husband and as a child of God. “You accept that he is his own person who can make his own choices, and you honor his right to make choices – even if you don’t agree with them. You aren’t trying to control him.” (p. 77). Ouch – see, I told you this book was practical.
5) I’m not in competition with my husband.
This chapter presents a well-reasoned discussion on the topic of submission. “That humility is the key to submission. Humility says, I won’t pursue only my own needs; I want to look to yours as well.” (p. 110).
6) I’m called to be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper.
Sheila does a good job differentiating between conflict and fighting. “Few of us grew up witnessing healthy conflict resolution, so it’s no wonder many of us associated conflict with yelling and fighting and threatening the relationship. But conflict simply means two people coming together with opposing views.” (p. 123)
7) Being one is more important than being right.
This chapter points out the importance of oneness in a relationship and moving from a win/lose to a win/win paradigm. “I forgot that marriage was not about me winning; marriage was about oneness – and that meant we needed to find a way for both of us to win.” (p. 142).
8) Having sex is not the same as making love.
There seems to be a view in our culture that men need sex and it’s the woman’s job to take care of her man. Sheila points out, “God designed sex to be a mutually satisfying experience. Both of us are supposed to enjoy it. It’s supposed to make both of us feel more intimate. Both of us need it.” (p. 171).
This is a complex topic and can be a source of frustration for couples. “Great sex, especially for women, requires communication . . . That’s why great sex also takes vulnerability. We have to let our guard down so that we can figure out what we actually want. And then we need to trust him in order to tell him.” (p. 169). In general, women need to feel loved to make love, but men are different. Here’s the secret to a man’s heart, “Understand that it works the other way for him: men need to make love to feel loved.” (p. 183).
9) If I’m not careful, we’ll drift apart.
Intentionality is the key concept in this chapter. A healthy marriage takes work. You must realize that, “The natural pull in life is to drift apart. Currents are carrying us away – currents we often don’t even see. None of us gets married thinking we’ll end up half a world apart, yet if we aren’t intentional like those sea otters, we very likely will wake up one day, look at our spouse, and think, Who are you?” (p. 190)
This book is filled with biblical truth and helpful insights to help you become a more Godly person and bring a fresh perspective to your marriage. God’s plan is for husband and wife to experience oneness in God,
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
(I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review).
13 of 16 people found the following review helpful.
Some Discernment Required
By Lauren DuPrez
There are so many marriage books available to Christians that discerning which ones will be the most helpful has become quite the challenge. I recently had the opportunity to read 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage by Sheila Wray Gregoire. In the book, she takes addresses the following 9 thoughts:
1. My Husband is My Neighbor
2. My Husband Can't Make Me Mad
3. My Husband Was Not Put on This Earth to Make Me Happy
4. I Can't Mold My Husband Into My Image
5. I'm Not in Competition With My Husband
6. I'm Called to Be A Peacemaker, Not A Peacekeeper
7. Being One is More Important Than Being Right
8. Having Sex is Not The Same as Making Love
9. If I'm Not Careful, We'll Drift Apart
While I agree with Wray Gregoire's 9 thoughts overall, it was her deliberation on these thoughts that struck somewhat of a red flag with me. As a Christian, I believe it is important to filter resources, such as this one, through the lens of Scripture. While Wray Gregoire's book did include the use of Scripture, there were a few places where it is taken out of context and I strongly believe this is where we must be especially discerning.
One example of this is Wray Gregoire's use of the verse Micah 6:8 which states, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" In the book, the author tells women that this verse is a part of God's purpose for their relationships (p. 90). She expands on this by using the example of one woman whose husband was treating her in an unloving way. The woman would refuse to listen to her husband if he spoke rudely to her and refused intimacy with him if he was unrepentant for how he treated her.
The way this wife responded to her husband was actually encouraged because she was implementing justice in her marriage. I must question though how this wife is living out the Gospel in her marriage if she is responding this way. The Bible says that, ". . . Love covers all offenses. . .," and "love covers a multitude of sins." As believers, we are called to show grace to one another in light of the grace that God showed us when He sent His only son to live a perfect life on our behalf, become the atoning sacrifice for our sins and rise again so that we may be made right with God.
As women who follow Christ, shouldn't we be advocates for showering our husbands with the same abounding grace (Romans 5:20) that God has shown us through Christ?
(Of course, there is wisdom to be applied here. If you are experiencing abuse within your marriage, you may need to seek the help of the police and the authority of your local church to address your spouse and walk alongside you in love and gentleness as you work toward a resolution.)
Additionally, the context of Micah 6:8 is not marriage or our relationships with each other, but God's relationship to His people, the Israelites. The tone of Micah 6:8, when read in context, is actually sarcastic because the Israelite's knew how they were supposed to be living as a response to God's deliverance and redemption of them, yet they were failing to walk in obedience.
These are a few examples when, as believers, I can't over encourage y'all to be knowing Christ through His Word!
Revelation 19:13 refers to Jesus and states, ". . . the name by which he is called is The Word of God," and John 1:14 tells us, ". . . the Word became flesh. . . "
If we want to know Him, we must know His Word!
I don't think 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is the worst book ever written or completely horrible. My tendency is skepticism and I'm not one to "throw the baby out with the bath water." However, it is not a resource I will be recommending as I love my sisters in Christ and desire that they know how they ought to do everything - including marriage - for God's glory as outlined in Scripture.
9 Thoughts does include some practical tips that can be applied in marriage such as prioritizing your husband before your kids, getting a check up to maintain your health (at one point in her marriage, the author was feeling unusually tired and a blood test revealed she had anemia), and challenging yourself to go a week without saying anything critical about your husband.
These are all helpful ideas and while they encouraged me in my own marriage, I would admonish women interested in reading this book to consider what the Bible truly says about marriage and how it is has been designed to reflect Christ's relationship to His bride, the church (Ephesians 5:22-33).
If you are looking for some solid marriage resources for yourself or for a Christian woman you know, I recommend the following:
BOOKS
Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of A Godly Wife and Mother by Carolyn Mahaney
Fierce Women by Kimberly Wagner
Helper By Design by Elyse Fitzpatrick
The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace
The Fruitful Wife by Haley DiMarco
The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller (for men and women)
This Momentary Marriage by John Piper (for men and women - you can download this book as a free PDF here - all of Piper's books are free as PDFs!)
MEDIA
Programs: Marriage - Nancy Leigh Wolgemuth, Revive Our Hearts (encouraging programs for women in any season of life)
SERMONS
Equal Yet Different: Partners - Chris Mueller, Faith Bible Church Murrieta
Uncommon Love Series - Chris Mueller, Faith Bible Church Murrieta
I received this book from the Blogging for Books program in exchange for my review.
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